Mid-life Crisis.

I being very goal oriented have always had a plan, now with more time to think about my future I'm a bit lost to what I want to do, confused and rethinking all of my plans. My heart still lingers to be a massage therapist since a delay occurred I really wanted to already pursing that path but, I suppose there is always a reason. I just hope I will be able to budget my money well. I'm horrible with money a spend it like there is no tomorrow. I suppose it because spending is what makes me happy. Habits that I got from my father he always spent it like he got and now well hes got nothing. I tryed to go visit him today because he starts his new job tomorrow, I hope he really likes and does well for his sake. Last Saturday was his 50th birthday, thinking I was going to be in Ithaca it completely slipped my mind. I felt like an awful daughter, not that he wasn't or isn't an awful Father for basically abandoning me and my family not to mention stealing everything in sight but, no matter how much I have a hate towards him I still felt bad. My Dad is pretty social but he never shows much emotion I suppose I really wanted to make him proud because he would rarely tell me he was. I feel really bad for him, I mean he is so lost and really has no one. I mean he created his own mess but, everyones sick of him and I know deep down he knows but its his addiction that keeps him going nothing real just pure addiction.

It makes me sad becuase I think of how I was little and we do all theses great things like hiking and take my dog polly for a walk or spend time together and just have nice coversations, my favorite had to be the rolling stones concert. That will be in my heart forever. For me my Dad is still alive but, I feel like hes dead, atleast his old self and its never comming back or it will never feel the same. I used to look at my father and just see the successful man he was, it wasnt the money it was just the pure joy he had for life, for his wife and for his kids. I suppose I havent thought about any of this because of the whirlwind of my life and how it just put me in its place and was like " NO BITCH YOUR NOT GOING ANYWHERE." I was used to getting everything, sure I worked for it but I got it. And then when it comes to your education like being denied for a loan slap in the damn face. It a hard world out there. I just don't want to fuck up. I want my life to run smoothy, for me it never does but I suppose thats what make you stronger in the long run. So, with all that said I suppose I will drown in my thoughts and finally get some well needed sleep.

* One other thing when times are though for me I always pray and it makes me feel so much better like I have a connection and there is some really listenting to me and taking in my thoughts. My own suggestion box and wether they are aweresed or not atleast I feel like God has heard me out and seeing what can be done for me down on this lovely planet called earth.