Everything and Nothing.

Right now I feel as if I have everything and nothing.

Everything.
Fairly Happy
Family life is good.
Boyfriend.
New lovely friends who make me laugh.
Best friend.
I'm only 18.
Healthy.

Nothing.
Sometimes I'm really unhappy
( I hide it)
I hate my job.
I have  no money.
All my savings are basically gone.
I'm not going to school.
I feel like I'm wasting away at age 18.

Good news, My uncle is coming up sometime this month. I want to move with him.
I want to leave. I feel like its just not right for me to be here anymore. I'm no longer happy.
I feel like I don't have much of a purpose or that my life is going much anywhere.

I was with my Ualbany friends today, they want me to go. I don't want to. I don't like to campus. Its too ghetto, not really clean and honestly overpriced. One other thing I never took my SATS and you know what? I never will. I don't want to. I think Its a scam and I don't want to waste my time. Majority because I'm far too lazy to do it now and I don't want to go to a 4 year university. I rather go to a community college first I wouldn't mind too much. I'd save so much money. Plus, I'm already going to marry a rich foreign man... what the hell.

Oh and to top it off my once perfect skin and complexion. Out the door. I need a drastic change for myself and for the better. sun kissed sin, sunnys and beach here I come.

Hookah smoking and sex.

What would my mother say about this post? She'd probably smile and say something along the lines of "penis". Reasons above why I love her so dearly.

I feel as if I'm having the college experience without college. Its nice. I think it will prepare me so that I really wont care to party once I start attending college at least that's what I hope. I have decided that I do not want to dorm. I rather commute, living with 6 plus other people? Fuck that. Last night I smoked hookah and had wonderful sex with my boyfriend. His name is Andy, hes Asian and, hes FOREIGN. Canada counts right? Eh, whatever... In my book it does. Might I add the rumours about Asians? NADA TRUE. On a more romantic note, I feel we have really good chemistry, like I get butterflies its been so long that that has happened that I knew they were real and not some fantasy I didn't want to let the chance slip by. I want to be happy with someone. Fall in or fall out at least I'm falling into something that I want to.

Now back to the college part, My mind has been going 500 million different ways BUT! I think I have finally got a bit closer to my puzzle disaster otherwise known as " WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE." So massage therapy is still number one. I still really want to do that and it will happen. But I know see myself minoring in business and majoring in creative writing. Makes sense right? I have found so much success in writing, I also really enjoy it so I think I'm going to follow through with that plan. For now :)

Too tired to care, too happy to listen. peace the fuck out.

Eternal Elegance

I think that's what I want to name my spa. With big, bold lettering on a fancy building with spinning doors to enter and a inviting wholesome atmosphere. I want it posh, big city, vintage, you walk in and think 1920's with the furniture and pictures. The scent will be inviting and take your breath away, so luxious and expensive yet has a tinge of composure either way your not messing with anything ordinary. Today I learned I want it all. Life has no limits, in the next few months I'm going to bust my ass. Make my money, get a second job, stop feeling sorry for myself, pick myself up, stop wasting my time, drop the people I waste my time on, stop feeling like I need someone to make me feel whole when all I need has already found me. I need to become less social in a good way, hide myself, stay away from family functions, (becuase I fucking hate them) I kind of want to change my cell phone number, maybe get a new phone, becuase I hate my new one, I just really want to erase some people, although you cant get rid of them forever but a new phone would be nice and nothing expensive just something different, find inspriation in life, start taking care of myself which includes healthy eating habits, learning how to cook, helping around the house and get out of my rut. I've found myself unhappy, when I'm unhappy I leave myself a mess, my room, and my life. Another problem I have is when I'm unhappy with myself I sleep. Sleeping relaxes me, I stress far too easily in life, when things dont go my way I get so angry and my face breaks out and I blame other people and I rant like I'm doing now. I also find myself giving into not the norm because it makes me feel like I matter, like my morals go out the door and I try to hard for somenthing/someone and clearly I know my worth this ain't no dime peice or some half black jean half cheetah bullshit. This is the real deal. In the words of Rasheeda " I'm concieted I got a reason". People dont understand why I am so concieted and they think I'm full of myself or bitchy but if you were in my coach shoes you would understand why. I think I just really need to reset my goals and honestly re-vamp my lifestyle. It will take time but, it something I need to start now.

Mid-life Crisis.

I being very goal oriented have always had a plan, now with more time to think about my future I'm a bit lost to what I want to do, confused and rethinking all of my plans. My heart still lingers to be a massage therapist since a delay occurred I really wanted to already pursing that path but, I suppose there is always a reason. I just hope I will be able to budget my money well. I'm horrible with money a spend it like there is no tomorrow. I suppose it because spending is what makes me happy. Habits that I got from my father he always spent it like he got and now well hes got nothing. I tryed to go visit him today because he starts his new job tomorrow, I hope he really likes and does well for his sake. Last Saturday was his 50th birthday, thinking I was going to be in Ithaca it completely slipped my mind. I felt like an awful daughter, not that he wasn't or isn't an awful Father for basically abandoning me and my family not to mention stealing everything in sight but, no matter how much I have a hate towards him I still felt bad. My Dad is pretty social but he never shows much emotion I suppose I really wanted to make him proud because he would rarely tell me he was. I feel really bad for him, I mean he is so lost and really has no one. I mean he created his own mess but, everyones sick of him and I know deep down he knows but its his addiction that keeps him going nothing real just pure addiction.

It makes me sad becuase I think of how I was little and we do all theses great things like hiking and take my dog polly for a walk or spend time together and just have nice coversations, my favorite had to be the rolling stones concert. That will be in my heart forever. For me my Dad is still alive but, I feel like hes dead, atleast his old self and its never comming back or it will never feel the same. I used to look at my father and just see the successful man he was, it wasnt the money it was just the pure joy he had for life, for his wife and for his kids. I suppose I havent thought about any of this because of the whirlwind of my life and how it just put me in its place and was like " NO BITCH YOUR NOT GOING ANYWHERE." I was used to getting everything, sure I worked for it but I got it. And then when it comes to your education like being denied for a loan slap in the damn face. It a hard world out there. I just don't want to fuck up. I want my life to run smoothy, for me it never does but I suppose thats what make you stronger in the long run. So, with all that said I suppose I will drown in my thoughts and finally get some well needed sleep.

* One other thing when times are though for me I always pray and it makes me feel so much better like I have a connection and there is some really listenting to me and taking in my thoughts. My own suggestion box and wether they are aweresed or not atleast I feel like God has heard me out and seeing what can be done for me down on this lovely planet called earth.

And the leaves will fall...

Yesterday was great, I had a interview at 2 pm at PS from aeropostale. As I said before it was a group interview which for some reason I got a bit more nervous, It took about a half an hour, from picking out outfits to talking about why we would like to work for the company. It was probably the most fun interview I ever had but since I haven't been on any for retail it was quite a difference experience all together. I left honestly not feeling to great about it, there was a weird feeling in my stomach that I possibly wasted my time. Not even two hours later I got a call back saying I got the job. I was over joyed to come for a simple application the day before and then get the job the next day, I feel like that rarely happens but, I oh so desperately needed a job. So after being home I went over to my lovey's( my best gay man's) house to tell him the good news. Feeling a bit tired and thinking my brother was home by himself, I went home an hour and a half later and found my mom and him home together. I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner with me, he refused the invitation. He's been acting rather weird lately, any other time he would of jumped on the idea of going out with me. But, whatever I can't take offence to it, he just started growing a bit of a shadow on his upper lip and suddenly hes too good for me, 12 year olds these days. Anyway I called up my cousin and asked her if she would like to go and ofcourse I knew she wouldent turn me down. We went out for pizza and just gossiped about her new school year and potential new boy. To be in highschool again, it feels so werid not going to any kind of school, to be honest its kind of nice just having a job and it not being summer but I honestly feel very out of my element. And, a bit lost to where I will be heading the next few months. I suppose time and fate will all bring me in the right direction but, being me this ticks me off. I always have a plan and when I make big plans they happen. This one didnt and it really makes me wonder why not, I had such high hopes moving to Ithaca, getting out of this town. Not that I don't appreciate it, I always have, I just want a change, new surrounding, new people and a nice new fresh feeling to life. I also was excited about getting into better shape there, I really wanted to tone up and possibly lose some weight I get kind of lazy when I'm stuck in a rut. I kind of felt that way all summer. But now its fall, the leaves turn beautiful colors and then they drop dead on the pavement. I want to be that beautiful leaf that drops some inches. I'm small already so not much weight will come off of me, I suppose toning up will have to be a good goal. Now to sign up to bally fitness which is located at the mall I'll be working at, it will be conveinant and will motivate me being right there. As if I might feel guilty if I go by it and not work out. I should probably write down goals that I should stick to as well. Hopefully I stick with a plan. It might do me some good.

Things are looking brighter...

Today I woke up around 7 to take my brother to his first day of school. Since it turns out I will not be going to school till next semester, which is January I figure I better give myself a good reason to get up early during the week days. I filled up my car with $30.01 of gas, contemplated about getting a cup of coffee and then got home and went straight to my bedroom to sleep some more. I woke up around one, I love sleep probably too much but, that's why I look so refreshed and damn fine all the time. When I got up I showered and headed out on a woman hunt for a job. I went to several different places, stopped at Starbucks to get my annual iced vanilla latte with soy. I love the taste of the first initial sip, its seriously like heaven on earth. I found the most success at the mall, I really want a job in retail, I'm sick of working around food and not being able to wear cute clothes or shoes without getting them dirty or smell when I get home. Home girl is dumping the frialator and committing herself to clothes. I have an interview with PS aeropostale tomorrow which, I'm excited about but, its a group interview which kind of turns me away but at least I can outshine others while I'm being interviewed, the only downfall I have is that I have absolutely no retail experience what so ever but, hey you have to start somewhere. And, a few other places where interested like Garage and Shii shoes. I looked really good today and faked a smile so that always helps. When I was coming home I texted my best friend I went over to his house for a bit, I love ranting to him or just being in his company he makes me feel that life isn't too bad right now. Plus we connect so well, whats a girl to do without her gay BFF, girlfriends are over raided.

I'm praying to baby Jesus I get a damn job. Priase the Lord. I'm out.